Why Boundaries Matter

Have you ever been rummaging through the apps on your tablet or phone and found something you forgot you had bought? That’s what happened to me recently and the discovery jolted me in a fabulous way that I want to share with you. One evening while touring my iPad, I decided to see what was lurking under my iBooks icon. Immediately, my eyes fell on a book that I bought and had started reading but the book somehow became lost in the shuffle of life. It is amazing to me how the Lord banks important readings for times when we will cherish the treasure of a book’s insights and be transformed by them rather than merely eeking out some small satisfaction for having finished another book.

The book is Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Someone had recommended the book to me sometime back and I bought it. Now I highly recommend it because it addresses one of the most serious matters in life. As a matter of fact, if we all had a better concept of boundaries in our lives, our family relations, friendships, church connections and office associations would be far less contentious and much more satisfying. I won’t try to capture the volumes of material I found, but I will share a couple of key ideas that have helped me to have greater confidence and more peace during difficult stretches of life.

The first idea is this: Establishing boundaries is not about setting roadblocks to keep people out of your life; it is about determining who you are, what you are here for and letting this knowledge help you create limits that protect your purpose and your sense of self. Many of us have, at times, become victims of missing boundaries. Much of my life was boundaryless. We spend our lives saying yes to things that have NO written all over them and dreading interactions with people who seem to be controlling us.  Taking the proper steps toward setting effective limits on our practices and interactions can give us that much needed sense of control the reduces stress in our lives.

We all can think of people we know who only do what they choose to do. If you ask them to do something that is not in their plan, They cheerfully say no with no guilt or regret. They never seem stressed–they have boundaries. It’s not that these people are mean or sadistic; They simply have a schedule and a purpose that limits the amount of random activity they allow. If what you ask does not fit their purpose or schedule, the answer is NO. Though hearing that NO jolts and embarrasses us, we secretly admire that level of control. We wonder how these folks can shut down burdensome requests with no appearance of remorse or regret. We sometimes feel horror at the very thought of saying no and find ourselves saying yes to stave off the pain of disapproval. Without boundaries, there is no limit to how much unexpected, unplanned responsibility we will allow the world to plop into our laps.

The second idea has to do with purpose as a way of establishing effective boundaries. This aspect of our effective boundaries provides a filter through which to gauge the worthiness of any request that comes to us. If I have a clear idea of why I exist; if I have a firm grasp on my mission in life then when requests come to me I can run them through that filter and say if it supports my mission and does not lessen my ability to fulfill my other mission commitments, I can do this. But many of us are so disorganized in our approach to life that we do everything in the moment and not strategically. What do I mean by this? We have an obligation of genuine love to move rapidly and deliberately toward organizing our activity in such a way that decision making is a result of coordinated, thoughtful planning and not emotion.

Let’s be honest: many of us say yes to requests without thinking because our missionless lives leave us making decisions based on our desire to be well thought of. With this at the top of our agenda, we revel in the emotional high that comes with seeing smiles and joy over our yes even if that yes in on a collision course with the last yes that is now obscured by the fog of our current euphoria. God is calling us to a higher level of service that transcends warm feelings of selfish gratification brought on by saying yes to everything. We owe the world a no that sets them free from the looming disappointment when we can’t deliver on our ill conceived promises. A firm mission, a clear mission-driven agenda for each day that carefully considers openings and potential conflicts in the schedule will allow us to deliver the effective service that we and the world need. A big part of that service is the effective boundary of NO.

This is the last point. There is a companion reason for not saying NO. That is “fear of their faces”. In Jeremiah 1:8 and in Ezekiel 2:8 God said that the prophets should not be afraid of the faces of the people when delivering their messages. Implied in this is the idea that we often are expected by God to deliver difficult messages to people that will engender a strong negative reaction. In our desire for pleasure and gratification in our interactions, we recoil from the potential pain of rejection and retaliation. We must believe God’s promises to his prophets that if we safeguard our mission by saying no to conflicting or off-mission requests, he will be with us and our friends, family and coworkers will make it some how, even though we said NO. We must learn to endure the faces. If we say yes to escape the sad or angry face, we will see it later when we disappoint due to being over-committed.This is just a small slice of the rich material to be found in the book Boundaries. I hope you get it and discover how to live a richer, fuller life where you have greater control and fulfillment.

Faith to face the storms

ship-storm-pageThe sun sank into the waters of lake Genesaret as the last of the throng strolled out of sight. Praise from satisfied hearts still echoed from the Galilean hills as stars lit the darkening sky. Jesus had long days. Up hours before the sun, he poured passion into saving people. The day now spent, he and the twelve launched out for a night’s journey to the far shore. Before long, the peaceful breeze and rocking water nudged Jesus into slumber. But a sudden storm tore the night, swamping the vessel–threatening to kill thirteen men. Frantically, the twelve rowed against the blast realizing in horror that their efforts were futile. They’d lost control! Then, in the blaze of lightening, the crew noticed something odd—Jesus, asleep! Thirteen men in danger, thirteen men headed for death, and only twelve struggled! Terror was eclipsed by indignity. They labored for life while somebody slept. They could take the unfairness no longer—“Master, carest thou not that we perish?” (Mark 4:38) In other words, “With all due respect, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE–INCLUDING YOU!! DON’T YOU CARE? CAN YOU AT LEAST JOIN US AS WE GO DOWN, FIGHTING?”

We pity the disciples. Where was their faith? Jesus was there in the boat. Why the fear? Why the indignation? But haven’t we felt alone in our struggles? Perhaps caring for a sick loved one while other family members avoid the responsibility; paying big bills with small money, while those who should help don’t! We nearly loose our sanity over the cruelty of people who take their leisure at the time of our trials. Maybe the disciples felt this way. Jesus needed a wake-up call. Even in church work we sometimes succumb to the pain of seeing others merely worship without lifting a finger to help with church upkeep. The disciples showed bitterness toward Jesus. And we do, as well. Nevertheless, with the same calm that let him sleep on the roller coaster sea, Jesus calmed the waves and chastised the twelve for their lack of faith.

They had seen the greatest demonstrations of power ever displayed to human eyes. They’d participated in healing with the Master himself. How could he say that they had no faith? After all, they had forsaken everything to follow him! The answer is that, though they were dedicated men, when the crisis came they didn’t know who was in the boat with them. They were helping Jesus, and as we often do, they found themselves so busy serving and being valuable that they forgot that they needed him. They saw only that he needed them. Thus, at crisis time, they didn’t look to him, because they were the sailors; Jesus was simply a passenger–and a sleeping one at that. Knowing him as a mere passenger made simple faith impossible!

Simple faith is an uncomplicated trust that God has your life in his constant gaze, and that he is not overmatched by modern-day storms. It’s giving him the command of your ship. Jesus said, “And this is life eternal: that they might know Thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom Thou hast sent.” (John 17:3) In Roman 10:17, Paul says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word about Christ. Jesus says, in John 15:5, that without him we can do nothing.

The picture is clear. Faith is only obtainable through a continual interaction with God through His word and prayer. If we don’t have time for these, we don’t have time for faith. The word immerses us in God’s thoughts, and prepares us to receive His spirit. One evening, Mary and Martha threw a dinner for Jesus. Martha could really entertain, and was determined to give her best for the Master. Mary, meanwhile, curled up at His feet to listen. Like the twelve in the storm, Martha becameSailboat in Distance indignant. She saw herself rowing alone in the kitchen, so she rushed to Jesus with a complaint similar to that of His men: “Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone?” Mary didn’t doubt that Jesus cared, Martha, the faithful worker, did—as did the twelve toiling in the tempest. In terror they worked for the Master, but he wants us to work and trust! The simple truth is this:
Those who invest great time in knowing Jesus trust Him.

Lest thou learn his ways

There’s a psychological concept called mirroring. The way it works is that as we become very close to or familiar with a person’s actions and traits we can begin to instinctively mimic what they do and how they do it. Couples who have grown close over a lengthy relationship can be seen mirroring each other’s words, gestures and expressions. Close observation for both positive and negative reasons can lead to this behavior. In Proverbs 22:24-25, Solomon warned about becoming changed by association with people who have evil attributes. He said avoid the association “lest thou learn his ways.” But we don’t have to be friends with poor examples to learn their ways. We can get sucked in by focusing on negatives in people with whom we have limited contact. Have you become so focused on the bad traits of someone in your life that you can’t wait to report his or her latest evil or stupid move? Beware: continual fixation with the other person’s issues may lead to mirroring.

I remember a song I used to hate: Goin’ Up the Country.” It was the dumbest song ever written. I’m sure that it is loaded with deep social, philosophical and every other kind of meaning. When YOU listen to it, you’ll probably fall on your knees and cry out that your life is changed. When I heard it in 1969, it was dumb. It was so dumb that I couldn’t stop imitating how dumb it sounded. Before long people thought I was dumb because here was this black, city kid singing this atonal, country twang mess, by The Canned Heat and it only had a few words to it. By focusing on what I hated I became obsessed with it and started to mirror the very thing that repulsed me. Are you doing this with anyone? The boss, the neighbor, the church member: are you so fixated on rehashing their failings that you are becoming more negative by the minute? In fact, are you becoming more like the people you hate by replaying their bad ways to the point that these bad ways become yours? It’s not the behavior that needs to stop, its the attitude! You need to confess to God that you are obsessed with the negative about people and it has reduced you to a level below the people you hate. You need to be set free and transformed before you lose your salvation to mirroring evil. There’s no 12-step plan. Go to God and lay this problem at his feet. Cry out to him because the problem is deeper than you think. He is able to change you if you will let him.

Sleepwalking

sleepwalk copyIn Matthew 25, Jesus had some critical points he wanted to make before he ended his earthly ministry. He wanted take his disciples down the corridor of the future to help them understand a phenomenon that his people would face prior to his return. It is a story we love to share and dissect; the story of the ten virgins. The crucial element of this story develops early in the narrative. Let’s take a look:

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept (Matthew 25:1 – 25:5 KJV)

Note that neither the wisdom of the wise nor the foolishness of the foolish affected whether the virgins slept. They all zonked out! We’re asleep. (Not bad: writing in my sleep!) We feel very much awake but when it comes to the deep implications of the eternal, we are knocked out with our eyes open. Jesus makes it clear: just before his return his people will be unconscious of the things we lose consciousness of when we sleep: time, location and danger.

Time
Though the ten realized the coming of the bridegroom was imminent and a major event which involved them in a significant and personal way, they each held varying ideas about how soon imminent was and what could be and needed to be done while they waited. In this sense they were unconscious of the reality of the promise. They acted on the apparent urgency of the moment not the sureness of the word. But here’s where the split happens. Five of the virgins decided to believe the sureness of the word and prepare. The other five got ready for what they felt was a reasonable wait based on their best time estimate for the arrival of the bridegroom and traveling with him to his place where they would no longer need their lamps. Looking at verse 5 we see that the bridegroom tarried. This is a critical point. Several of Jesus’ parables deal with delay. Have you noticed that? Usually in those stories the people waiting develop attitude issues related to the delay. They stop preparing for the return of the key figure in the story and start living as though the promised return was a fable or lie. According to these stories, the most serious manifestation of their unbelief is their unloving treatment of their fellow men. As a matter of fact, they preface their attitude shift with the words “Our Lord delayeth his coming!” Many of us today have a faulty understanding of the timing of Jesus return. Like the five foolish, we see ourselves having passed the reasonable wait time for a second coming. Many today are waiting for a second coming with no preparation for a life with Jesus. Their faith was built on the idea of a powerful cosmic event whose nearness was clearly outlined in charts and prophetic timelines. Time has become a form of anesthesia because we have been lulled to sleep while looking at our watches.

Location
It’s a sad thing to know where you are going but not know where you are. Back in March of 1971 astronauts Alan Shepard and Ed Mitchell were on the moon hiking to the rim of Cone Crater. These highly trained astronauts made some disturbing discoveries on their trek. First, they learned that distance is difficult to gauge on the moon. On earth, atmospheric haze helps us determine relative distances. Things far away look bluer and mistier than things nearby. Whoever wrote America the Beautiful was looking at those craggy brown mountains from a distance that made them look purple and majestic. On the moon there is no haze so it is hard to tell how far something is from you. Plus, you can’t tell how far something is from the horizon. Second, the lighting on the moon makes understanding the terrain tough. So as the astronauts ascended the side of Cone Crater, the rolling terrain made it difficult to tell where they were relative to the top. After hours of traveling on foot, they had to head back to the Lunar Module. Later when scientists studied the data and looked at satellite photos showing their tracks, it was discovered that they were only 30 meters or 98 feet from the rim. Shepard and Mitchell knew where they were going; they were dedicated to their mission but they could not tell where they were and with 100 feet to go they turned back. How many of us today are turning back on our spiritual trek, not because we don’t know where we are going or because we have no sense of mission but because we can’t tell where we are anymore. The world has changed and the church has changed and the rolling terrain of the religious universe has us wondering if the foundations of our faith are still relevant.

Danger
When you are in deep sleep you are oblivious to what’s happening around you. During the REM stage of the sleep cycle, for a certain time the motor functions are inhibited and we are paralyzed. The interesting thing about REM or rapid eye movement sleep is that this is when we have those dreams that are so real. Sleep researchers report that the eye movement appears to be tracking the action and drama of the scenes in our dreams. So though we are unconscious of the happenings of the real world, we are deeply involved in the dream world. Someone could have a loaded gun at your head, but you would be showing fear of the mad pit-bull in your dream. Like the ten virgins, we are asleep but few would know it. We function in day-to-day activity but we don’t hear the danger alarms sounding from God’s word. Like sleepwalkers we walk about, send email, deal on Facebook and Twitter, go to work and church and look quite alert but we keep drifting closer and closer to the spiritual cliff with no sense of the dangers before us. Ungodly music, hurtful foods, pornography, profanity, alcohol, and questionable movies erode our spiritual alertness but we see no dangers. Satan’s gun is pressed against your temple but you are more afraid of Bible doctrine than the bullet.

Asleep: that’s where we are. Though we have trouble discerning the nearness of Christ’s return and though we find it difficult to tell where we are on the journey, and though we fail to see the dangers as we careen toward the spiritual cliff, the good news is  we will wake up soon. The hope is, that though we are all asleep, we are preparing to live with Jesus and not just waiting for his return.

A Better Country Pt. 2: People With Hope Vote

In 1983-84, I was hired to design some voter registration materials for a local NAACP chapter in Huntsville, Alabama. It was an election season and the campaign was entitled: People With Hope Vote. Many of the African Americans in that state were still paralyzed by years of hopeless oppression. But the winds of change were blowing in a place once stagnant with the hot musty atmosphere of hate and discrimination. A new breeze of participatory democracy was tickling the imagination of a new generation of black voters. That’s why the NAACP wanted to capitalize on the moment.

We designed posters and bumper stickers that drove home the message that people who have hope in their hearts take positive action. People with hope feel that something can be done and that solutions can be implemented. People with hope are not victims of the system; they can move the system and work within the system to affect change.

Ever since doing that design job, I have been positively affected by the message of the bumper sticker—People With Hope Vote! Not because of the political implications, but because of the spiritual import. What? How can a bumper sticker from nearly 30 years ago have any spiritual meaning? I’ll show you. Remember, we are talking about a better country in this series of devotions. Let’s look at how hope and faith make a difference and how these constitute our vote for God.

In Hebrews 11, the writer starts by describing what faith is. We often take a disjointed look at that information as though the apostle presented a dictionary definition of faith and ended it there—almost as though the chapter was a random collection of isolated thoughts on faith. But read that section again. The writer was building to a point.

To understand chapter 11 you have to back up into chapter 10 to see the context of the faith discussion. Listen, this is from verses 35-39: Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come and will not tarry. Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition: but of them that believe to the saving of the soul.

The apostle here sets the tone for the future. He is pouring on the encouragement and sharing the hard truth about how the Christian ought to think as he or she faces perilous times. He uses words like confidence, reward, promise, shall come, will come, not tarry, and faith. These words are designed to inspire hope in us to press on with zeal and a high sense of duty. Then he comes to chapter 11 where he begins to describe a faith that moves forward and does not draw back; faith that is characterized as belief that saves the soul.

He starts by noting that faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Then in verse 6 he warns that with out it you cannot please God. Here’s where you have to connect that definition to the rest of the message. The writer was setting up a powerful image of the impact of hope and faith. In other words, I just told you how we need to think as we face the perilous days ahead; I have just told you how indispensable faith is and have given you the theory of what faith is. Now I want to show you how it looked in action and how the terms hoped for and not seen work in the real world.

For the great patriarchs and matriarchs, for that matter, the thing hoped for was the promise of redemption through the promised savior, the destruction of sin, the establishment of the ruler-ship of God and the restoration of the perfect order of creation. In other words, God’s Kingdom restored. After seeing things from God’s perspective, or having the kingdom in their hearts, it was clear that none of these things would come about in this world. So they looked through renewed eyes to a better country. The fire of hope drove these people to do exploits for God and kept them faithful even when their beliefs inspired hatred and brought on death. Hebrews says that these died not having received the promise but they had hope.

Do you see what it means in verse 1: Substance of things hoped for means that that better country and the God who ruled there were so real in their minds that they had that vision plastered all over their thoughts. The hope was potent because it was so real. The evidence of things not seen was shown by the fact that the promise to them was like cash. They acted on the promise as though they could see the better country. In their minds they lived in the better country. They walked by its principles and they moved to its rhythms.  It was real.

As I mentioned before, people with hope feel that something can be done; that solutions can be implemented, People with hope are not victims of the system; they can move the system and work within the system to affect change. God said this very thing in Hebrews 4:16. He said come boldly to the throne of grace to receive help in time of need. Jesus said ask, seek and knock. God is inviting us to move the throne with reverent, fervent hope and faith. We are not victims of the system; we are parts of the system of salvation. We are heirs of the kingdom—priests and rulers by the mercy and grace of God.

Today, nearly 30 years later, that black bumper sticker with the white lettering reminds me that when you have hope, you vote with your voice through praise and witness. When you have hope, you vote with your actions through obedience and service. And when you have hope, you vote with your courage by standing tall for the Lord even when all is bleak. People with hope live in the reality of that better world they seek. People with hope know that some day soon, he that shall come will come and will not tarry. Let’s all be ready.

A Better Country Pt. 1: Understanding & Hope

Understanding and hope are powerful things. Have you ever been in a bad situation then found the solution and suddenly realized that even though circumstances didn’t change much after finding the solution, you, somehow, didn’t feel the hurt as much? Let me give you a personal example: I have been having some serious bouts with sciatica. It is difficult to describe the pain of this condition. Some of you know it well.

For the longest time I had no idea what was causing these periodic battles with pain, tingling and incapacitation. All I knew was that at some point I would begin feeling a tingling pain radiating down my right leg from my hip to the back of my knee. The sensation had nothing to do with muscles or joints, and my pain wasn’t associated with my movements. The feeling was constant—like a stuck circuit. The sensation became so intense that I could not stand up and I was taking ibuprofen as though they were Skittles.   To say the least, I was frightened and confused.

Finally, I had an MRI of my lower back and discovered that I had a large, protruding disk that was pressing the sciatic nerve. A specialist showed me a course of treatment and though nothing had changed at that moment, I felt different. Why? I had understanding and I had hope. I no longer expended mental energy trying to figure out why I was hurting and why I couldn’t walk. For the first time, I knew it wasn’t just mental. I had understanding and I had hope because I had a range of solutions—it was now a matter of choice. Was I still hurting? Oh Yes! But was I in despair? Not any more.

We live in a world that is in pain. Economically, environmentally, morally, and spiritually, the world is a mess. People are beginning to lose hope that governments and leaders can do anything about the mounting and interconnected problems society faces. The pain is like a stuck circuit. The world can barely stand. Despair is everywhere—from war-torn countries to divorce-ravaged suburbs. Heart disease, cancer, STDs, HIV/AIDS, Alzheimer’s—stalk people of every class. Money, education, and social class can’t solve many of these crises and they leave people in all sectors of society confused, without understanding and without hope.

In Hebrews 11, we find the real answer to the confusing hopelessness of our world.The apostle is sharing the historical pathway of the patriarchs showing clearly how they exercised faith to obey God’s will. In verses 13-16 the writer sums up a narrative of the sacrifice and boldness of these people of faith who left all to pursue the path paved with the promises of the invisible God. In this section is revealed the secret of their endurance and the power that drove them through hardship. It was the power of seeking a better country.

Seeking the better country elevated their thinking and lifted their spirits. But more than seeking a better country, they began living in that better country in their hearts. The government of that country ruled their souls and actions. They could endure the hardships of this life because the new government helped them understand that the things of this world had no power over them because they were already connected to a wisdom and power far above those of this world. Beyond this, they had absolute assurance that the promises of the living God were sure and as real as the mountains of Ararat, Arabia and Canaan that surrounded them. This was hope. It was hope not tied to the faltering whims of man, but hope rooted in the eternal power and wisdom of God.

Understanding and hope: When you are connected, you withstand the pain today because the solution is already in place. Your head is already governed by another world, another ruler. He is a ruler who cannot fail and in that understanding we have peace. We are not at the mercy of this life’s trials.

Are you already living in the better country? Do you have the peace that rules there? You can have that hope and understanding that can only be found there simply by asking, seeking and knocking. Let the government of that better country set up its headquarters in your mind, today. Then let God’s word and his Spirit impart to your life the wisdom and peace from over there. Now I know, to a small degree, what Martin Luther meant when he wrote: The body they may kill. God’s truth abideth still. His kingdom is forever.